One of my favorite authors is Philip Yancey, and the reason why I like him so much is because he writes so insightfully on the subjects of grace, forgiveness and reconciliation. His passion for dealing with broken relationships comes from a mother who wronged him and his brother, and never made amends for the way she treated them. In his memoir, Where the Light Fell, Philip recalls growing up in the home of a prideful, self righteous mother who once said she had not sinned in 12 years, and then he says these words, “Sinlessness guarantees she will win every argument with us, her sons, at least in her mind. It also guarantees that- like her own mother- she sees no need to apologize, ever. As we’re lying in our beds one night, Marshall reveals something that makes my blood run cold. ‘I hate her,’ he says. ‘Always have. Even when I was your age, ten years old, I wanted her to die”- Philip Yancey, Where the Light Fell.  Sadly, Philip’s brother Marshall would hate his mother, for as long as she was alive.

The Reality of Broken Relationships

What are you feeling at this moment? I hear this story and I feel two things. One I feel a deep sense of pity towards Marshall, mixed with disappointment towards his mother. How in the world could any parent do that to a child? But I also feel deep resonance. I can’t judge anyone. I know what it’s like to be on either side of a broken relationship. I know what it’s like to feel wronged, and I also know what it’s like to be the one who did the wrong. And before you judge me, if you search your heart along with your resume of relationships, chances are we all know what it’s like to both be disappointed by people, and to disappoint others. The reason for this is a little three letter word with “I” right in the middle of it called, sin. Sin is never just personal- it’s not just something that impacts me- it’s profoundly relational. When Adam and Eve sinned, they hid from God and from each other. When David committed adultery, he not only damaged Bathsheba’s marriage, but their child died, and the nation of Israel as a whole suffered. The message is clear- sin is never just personal, it’s profoundly relational. What this means is because we are all sinners we will all know the great frustration of broken relationships. 

Someone’s here today and you’re on the outs with an in-law. Someone else your relational issue is with a parent who maybe walked out on you, or deeply disappointed you. Someone else, it's your marriage. I mean it took everything in you just to make it to church today because you’re just in one of those seasons. Maybe it’s a kid you’re estranged from, a former business partner who stabbed you in the back, an ex you share a child with who goes out of their way to slander you. And let’s be really honest, because right now there’s plenty of us who are on the other side of the table- people who haven’t just been wronged, but people who have done the wrong. We’re the ones who gossiped or slandered. We are the ones who broke the promise. We are the ones who cheated. What are we to do? Our passage offers clear, powerful and practical wisdom in how to repair broken relationships. 

The Work of Reconciliation- Matthew 5:24

Our text is all about reconciliation. We see this in verse 24, when Jesus says, “First be reconciled to your brother”. Matthew is writing Jesus’ words in Greek, and the Greek word for “be reconciled,” is what we would call an imperative, which is a command. Jesus is not recommending reconciliation. He is not suggesting reconciliation. He’s not asking us how we feel about reconciliation. He is commanding us to do the work of reconciliation. Why is it so important that Christians do the work of reconciliation, the work of fixing broken relationships? Because the clearest witness of what we truly believe about the gospel is seen in how we treat people who have mistreated us. The very message of the cross is reconciliation. Paul points this out when he says, “All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation”- 2 Corinthians 5:18-19. The very message of the gospel is this: We were hostile towards God. Our relationship with God was broken. God sent his only Son to do the work of reconciliation on the cross. And to this day Christ is still reconciling sinners to himself. And to be a Christian means we do the work of repairing broken relationships. We are people who reconcile. 

Unrighteous Anger- Matthew 5:21-22

But what happened to the relationship to where reconciliation is now necessary. Jesus says that what happened was anger. Look at verses 21-22. Jesus begins by reminding his Jewish audience that one of the 10 commandments is the prohibition to murder. We all understand what murder is- it is to literally and physically take another person’s life. We get that. But in words which shocked his audience Jesus asserts his authority by saying, “But I say to you”. With these words Jesus is putting himself on par with,  and even beyond the law. Notice what he does. He moves from the physical act of murder, to the desire which fuels murder which is anger. In other words, he moves from the hands to the heart. He puts anger on par with murder. Now is anger in itself wrong? No. God gets angry. Jesus when he cleanses the temple is angry. Paul actually says that in our anger we are not to sin, which more than implies it’s possible to be angry and not sin. Any therapist will tell you that anger is actually helpful because it shows you what you care about. So what’s the big deal here? Notice what Jesus does. He moves from anger to insults to calling people fools. The issue here isn’t anger, but the unrighteous expression of anger. And that’s our issue today.

Broadly speaking there’s two kinds of bad ways we express anger. One is what I call the  aggressive face of anger. My wife and I have a friend who struggles with this. Some years ago she was trying to merge onto the freeway when the person next to her would not let her get on and almost ran her off the road. Her anger spiked and she sped up next to her on the freeway and motioned for her to roll down her window. The woman did, and our friend took a fistfull of coins and chucked it at her…on the freeway! This is not the way to deal with anger! And that’s some of you. Yelling, screaming, cursing, slamming doors, fighting, calling names. This is not the way of Jesus.

My guess is most of us in this room are way too cool to let someone know they got under our skin. Many of us have a passive face to anger…we are silent assassins. Someone does something to us we don’t like, no problem. We won’t curse or yell or throw coins at you. We’ll just get busy all of a sudden. Stop returning your calls or texts. Stop inviting you over. This is unresolved anger just displayed differently. And what does Jesus say about both faces of anger? He calls them murder. Why? Because both displays kill the relationship. When we refuse to attempt to do the work of reconciliation, we are accomplices to the crime and sin of murder. 

Why should I do the work of reconciliation? Matthew 5:23-26

Okay Bryan, but you don’t really understand what this person did to me, how they’ve hurt me (I want to be careful here, I do believe that in cases of abuse, where we are still obligated to forgive, reconciliation is off the table. But in the vast majority of instances, we still must try to reconcile.). Why should I do the work of reconciliation? Jesus actually gives us two reasons. Notice what he does in verse 23. He’s picturing a person who is in worship. They are about to present their gift (probably an animal sacrifice) to the priest when they remember someone has something against them. Jesus says they are to leave their gift at the altar and go be reconciled with their brother first. Do you see what he’s saying? Stop your worship of God when you are not right relationally with others. Jesus is saying when I am not right with others, I am not right with God. This principle is all throughout the Bible. I Peter 3 says husbands are to live with their wives in an understanding way so their prayers would not be hindered. John says how can we claim to love God whom we don’t see while we hate our brothers who we do see. Jesus taught in Matthew 18 that a failure to forgive will land us in hell. He’s not saying we need to forgive to get into heaven, but he is saying the way we know heaven has gotten into us is we forgive. So why should I do the work of reconciliation with others? Because it will lay the groundwork for me to experience a flourishing relationship with God. 

But there’s another reason we should do the work of reconciliation. It frees us. Notice how Jesus ends our passage. He says we are to come to terms quickly with our accuser, and if we don’t we will end up in prison where we will never get out. Of course Jesus is not being literal, he’s being figurative. But don’t miss his principle: A failure to reconcile in some way shape or form, inhibits not just my relationship with God, but it inhibits me. 

Heart Visual. I hold in my hand a heart. Someone does something to me I don’t like. I trusted a person and they wronged me, and something in me says never again, so I put the heart in the bag. And now people can only get so close to me. I hold people at bay. Whose bound? See the loss of freedom? Look at what CSL says, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable”- CS Lewis, The Four Loves. You want freedom? Do the hard work of reconciliation. 

How to reconcile? Look Upward- Matthew 5:17-20

As scary as reconciliation is, Bryan, I want to do it, but how? How do I reconcile? Our text gives us three critical things which go into the work of reconciliation, and the first is we have to look upward. One of the mistakes we make is to disconnect Matthew 5:21-26 from the previous verses in 17-20; they go together. Notice what Jesus is dealing with in 17-20. Do you see it? He’s calling our attention to the truth of Scripture. He’s calling us to look outside of ourselves to the Word of God. Jesus is calling us to look upward, and this is everything when we talk about reconciliation. One of the main reasons we never do the work of reconciliation is we never look beyond ourselves. Or to say it another way, sociologist’s have described our culture as the age of expressive individualism. What this means is one of the messages we are getting bombarded with every day is to look to yourself as the final authority of truth. That’s exactly why we have the phrase my truth. I hate that phrase. Say, “my perspective,” or, “my opinion,” don’t say, “my truth.” 

Imagine you get pulled over by a police officer for going 55 in a 35. The officer comes up to you, tells you to roll down your window, and right as he starts to write the ticket you say, “Excuse me officer, I’d like to share with you my truth.” Well, that’s not going to help one bit. You will still get the ticket, because you broke the objective standard outside of yourself. I mean, can you imagine living in a country where all of us get to decide how fast we want to drive, and there’s no standard outside of ourselves? That’s chaos. And in the same way, when we go down the road of “my truth,” not only is there relational chaos, but we will never do the work of reconciliation…it’s impossible. Someone hurts you and my truth says as a first resort to set up a boundary. You’ve offended someone, my truth says to not make it a big deal or even say anything unless they come to me first. The pastor said or did something I don’t like, and my truth says to just slip out the backdoor, leave and never come back. My truth works against reconciliation. 

On my finger is my wedding ring. It’s in a circle symbolizing the covenant of marriage Korie and I entered into with one another some 25 years ago. You know why we are still married? Because we both do the work of looking upward to the truth of God’s Word and submitting to that standard. Why do we apologize to one another? Because the Word says so. Why do we forgive one another? Because the Word says so. Why do we work on being patient with one another? Because the Word says so. It’s not ultimately about how we feel, but about the truth of Scripture.

How to reconcile? Look outward- Matthew 5:23

But not only do we need to look upward to do the work of reconciliation, we also need to look outward. Look at verse 23. See the familial language. He calls the one we are at odds with family, not friends, family, and this is critical to the work of reconciliation. When we are born we don’t get to choose who we are related to, who our family is. I mean tell the truth- if you all didn’t share DNA you wouldn’t speak. See, with family we don’t really get a chance to avoid them (though this is changing sadly). Family is unlike any other relationship. We are in a relationship with our boss as long as we produce. We maintain that friendship as long as they continue to bring something to the table. None of this is true with family. There’s something binding with family that straps us in and compels us to work it out. 

My dad had a sister, my aunt Elaina. Growing up I caught on quickly that dad was frustrated with her. Every month it seemed she would call my dad and ask for money to pay the rent. Dad would fuss and give it to her. One time I asked why dad always gave her money? He responded, “What am I going to do, let them put her out on the street? She’s my sister.” Well, she died about 20 years ago, and at the funeral I remember my dad standing by her casket laughing and crying and laughing and crying- a strange sight. I said, “Dad, what in the world? What’s wrong?” Dad said, “Well, she got me again! Who do you think is paying for this?”

Now, I know there’s a lot of unhealth here, but don’t miss the principle. There was a level of patience and commitment that was exponentially higher because she was family, and I think that’s missing in the church today. The problem with the body of Christ is we relate to each other as friends, and not family. It’s far easier to drop you and not do the work of reconciliation if I only see you as a friend, than if I saw you as family. The person who lied to you is family. The person you gossiped about is family. The person who mistreated you is family. And when I see them this way I am far better positioned to do the work of reconciliation. 

How to reconcile? Look inward- Matthew 5:20

But there’s something else that’s critical to reconciliation- we must look inward to the gospel. By far, the scariest verse in all of the Sermon on the Mount is found in verse 20. If you are a Jew in the audience as Jesus says these words, your heart has just dropped to your knees, because the Pharisees were seen as THE standard for righteousness. Here were people who memorized the first five books of the bible, known then as the Law. They gave around 20% of their income to God. They prayed the Shema 18 times a day, were in the Temple all the time, so how in the world can our righteousness exceed theirs? Only one way. See theirs was a righteousness of actions, of the hands, the gospel is a righteousness of the heart. Theirs was a righteousness of actions, while the gospel is one of affections. One commentator says it this way: “Jesus calls his disciples to a different kind of quality of righteousness than that of the scribes and Pharisees. They took pride in outward conformity to many extra biblical regulations but still had impure hearts. But kingdom righteousness works from the inside out because it first produces changed hearts and new motivations, so that the actual conduct of Jesus’ followers does in fact, ‘exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees’”- ESV Study Bible. This is why in Ezekiel God promised that the new covenant he would give people a heart of flesh in exchange for their heart of stone. The law stops at behavior, it stops on the outside. The gospel changes us from the inside out. And with our new heart comes new desires which push us to reconcile.

 You’re looking at Elwin Wilson and John Lewis. In 1961, Elwin was a member of the KKK who brutally beat John Lewis who was a freedom rider looking to integrate bus terminals in the south. It was brutal. John Lewis was a Christian, Elwin was not. Years later, Elwin received a heart of flesh- he became a follower of Jesus. Soon thereafter he reached out to John Lewis and did the unthinkable- he asked for forgiveness. Because John Lewis had a heart of flesh as well, he forgave, and the two spent the last few years of Elwin’s life speaking about the need for reconciliation. It was only when they looked inward to the gospel that could happen. 

Prayer for reconciliation. Have people stand. Has the gospel taken root.